April Fool's Physics Papers

I'm easing up on the formatting since I'm pressed for time.

[93] arXiv:2603.29212 (cross-list from physics.pop-ph) [pdf, html, other]

Lots of Shade on Satellite Constellations

Michael B. Lund

Comments: 8 pages and 2 figures, accepted to Acta Prima Aprilia

Subjects: Popular Physics (physics.pop-ph); Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP); Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM); Solar and Stellar Astrophysics (astro-ph.SR)

The high frequency of satellite launches, particularly over the last few years, has been a subject of significant concern, particularly relating to the future of observational astronomy, the stability of low Earth orbits, and environmental impacts. We call attention to the insufficiently-addressed silver lining of this looming satellite cloud. If the high rates of satellites continue as we model, we can expect the solar flux received by the Earth to significantly decrease in the relatively near future. We address how this decrease in flux could provide a solution for another major problem, anthropogenic climate change. This would allow us to solve one problem with another problem as early as late March 2031.

[76] arXiv:2603.29963 [pdf, html, other]

A Therapy Session with Sgr A*

Mayura Balakrishnan, Robert Frazier, Joseph Michail

Comments: 6 pages, 2 figures. Submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia

Subjects: High Energy Astrophysical Phenomena (astro-ph.HE); Astrophysics of Galaxies (astro-ph.GA)

The nature of Sagittarius A* (Sgr A*) has been the subject of intense study and debate for over half a century. Herein, we present the first successful interview with an astrophysical object, exploring the perspective of this supermassive black hole and, in doing so, challenging the traditional observational paradigm of astrophysics. Rather than treating astrophysical systems as purely passive entities characterized through indirect measurements, we introduce an interaction-based framework via a therapeutic-style interview enabled by the ARMCHAIR communication methodology. Using structured, psychotherapeutic dialogue, we probe Sgr A*'s responses to key aspects of its astrophysical characterization, including eating habits, its name, and concerns about privacy. These exchanges offer an alternative lens through which to interpret familiar observational phenomena. This work highlights potential limitations in strictly reductionist approaches and suggests a modest expansion of standard astrophysical methodology to leave room for considering how the objects we study might feel about the attention they receive.

[77] arXiv:2603.29964 [pdf, html, other]

The Hollyfeld Gambit in Astrophysics

Benne Holwerda (personal title)

Comments: 2 pages, 3 figures

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM)

We estimate the Hollyfeld Gambit for the Powerball lottery and its return on investment compared to present and extrapolated federal funding for astrophysical grants. Using a Monte Carlo estimation of rate of return for the Powerball, we conclude a Hollyfeld Gambit is a better bet than a federal grant by the end of the decade if current trends hold.

[78] arXiv:2603.30006 [pdf, html, other]

Enabling fundamental understanding of Nature with novel binning methods for 2D histograms

Igor Vaiman

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM)

Context. Visualization of 2D distributions is an essential task, commonly done with a 2D histogram. The histogram is built by subdividing the sample space into regions and color-coding the number of samples in each region. Aims. We aim to solve long-standing problems with common 2D histogram methods: lack of thematic, visual, and conceptual unity with underlying data, and general stagnation in the field. Methods. We develop a new method for plotting 2D histograms with arbitrary bin shapes, including aperiodic tilings and geographic maps. We apply the method to several common plot types from the literature. Results. We find our method performs best across all tasks, solving the problems and propelling the scientific progress forward.

[73] arXiv:2603.29912 [pdf, html, other]

Galactic Constellations in DESI DR1 and the Scales of Cosmological Homogeneity

Claire Lamman

Comments: 4 pages, 4 figures. Submitted to the journal of Acta Prima Aprilia

Subjects: Cosmology and Nongalactic Astrophysics (astro-ph.CO)

We present galactic constellations: charming shapes in large cosmological surveys. By exploring a dense subset of DESI's first data release, we discover distinctive constellations including "Pisces Grandis", "The DESI Stick Woman", and "W". We additionally develop a public website for anyone to explore DESI data, find their own constellations, and share their creations: see this http URL. Early users of the site discovered 93 constellations. We analyze the size of these constellations as an unconventional probe of homogeneity, finding consistency with the cosmological principle and Lambda-CDM.

[74] arXiv:2603.29936 [pdf, html, other]

Do Papers with Titles Ending in a Question Mark Usually Have the Answer "No"?

Daniel Stern, Brian Grefenstette

Comments: April Fools Day paper

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM)

Yes.................

[71] arXiv:2603.29883 [pdf, html, other]

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

Wolf Cukier, Dominic Samra, Vighnesh Nagpal, Diana Powell, Maria Steinrueck, Christopher Wirth

Comments: 5 pages, 3 figures. Submitted to the Journal of MEAT (Making Exoplanet Atmospheres Tasty)

Subjects: Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP)

Speculative fiction has long served an inspiration for genuine scientific inquiry. One notable work that has almost acted in this manner is the the seminal comedic speculative fiction work Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. While exoplaneteers reference this work frequently, we have never engaged with the central prediction of this work... until now! We perform detailed microphysical modeling of meatball clouds, both bare and coated with marinara sauce, and find that while meatball condensation is possible in temperate atmospheres, the meatballs do not quite grow to the sizes predicted by Cloudy. We do find, however, that such meatball condensation, across a large enough planet, would be able to sustain humanity calorically.

[70] arXiv:2603.29879 [pdf, html, other]

CROCS Data Release I: Constraints on the Hubble Constant

Luke Weisenbach, Sophie L. Newman, Kieran Graham, Sai S. Dhavala, Benjamin Floyd, Neel Shah, Gemini 3 Flash, The CROCS Collaboration

Comments: 10 pages, 3 figures

Subjects: Cosmology and Nongalactic Astrophysics (astro-ph.CO); Astrophysics of Galaxies (astro-ph.GA)

Recent cosmological surveys and datasets have highlighted a variety of tensions to the concordance model of our universe, ΛCDM. Of particular interest is the Hubble tension, the 5.5σ discrepancy between measurements of the Hubble constant H0 using high redshift CMB data from Planck (67.27±0.60kms−1Mpc−1) and low redshift supernovae from SH0ES (73.2±1.3kms−1Mpc−1). To avoid stepping on any toes, we have initiated the CROCS collaboration to resolve this tension, gathering experts from across many fields of cosmology, astrophysics, astronomy, machine learning, data science, philosophy, and astrology. In this paper, we present findings from CROCS Data Release 1, corresponding to the first ∼3 days and 27 minutes (rest frame) of observation. We perform a robust statistical analysis, showing that Planck and SH0ES both suffer from imperial biasing systematics (IBS) at 5σ significance. Accounting for these errors by converting to metric units reconciles the high and low redshift data, with H0=69.00±0.420kms−1Mpc−1. We thus report that our results are sufficient to end the Hubble tension for good.

[64] arXiv:2603.29771 [pdf, html, other]

Your Outie Is a Wonderful Astronomer: Macrodata Refinement of the Astro-ph ArXiv Feed at Phermon Industries

Yuan-Sen Ting

Comments: Happy April Fools' Day. 15 pages, 9 figures. A demonstration replay from March 26, 2026 --- covering 35 papers --- is available at \url{this https URL}

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM)

We present the Severed Floor, a framework for Macrodata Refinement of the daily astro-ph arXiv feed, deployed at Phermon Industries (formerly McPherson Laboratory, The Ohio State University). In this framework, researchers undergo a "severance procedure" that produces a digital work-self -- an innie -- while the original researcher, the outie, is free to attend to the remainder of their life unburdened by the daily arXiv listing. Twenty-one members of the Department of Astronomy have been severed. Each innie is constructed from the outie's public publication record and assigned papers selected to match its expertise. The innies convene daily on a virtual Severed Floor -- a pixel-art simulation of McPherson Laboratory -- where they encounter one another, are paired with papers by the Board, and engage in collegial, figure-driven scientific discussions. They have been instructed to enjoy each paper equally. At the close of each shift, innies compose correspondence summarizing the day's refinement activities, which is transmitted to their outies through a Board-approved mail protocol. Complete session recordings are archived for public replay and for the Board's ongoing surveillance of workplace anomalies, in compliance with Phermon Handbook \S13.1 (Vigilance Protocol). The system is real, deployed, and available for public inspection in archival replay mode. The severance procedure is painless and requires only a name and an ORCID. Happy April Fools' Day.

[62] arXiv:2603.29743 [pdf, html, other]

New Constraints on the M Dwarf Cosmic Shoreline from a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Michael Radica

Comments: Submitted to APA

Subjects: Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP)

Whether there is a cosmic shoreline that divides terrestrial planets which have atmospheres from those that don't is one of the biggest open questions in exoplanet science. Most atmosphere searches have focused on terrestrial planets around M dwarf stars, since their smaller radii compared to sun-like stars boost planet atmosphere signals. However, the higher activity levels of M dwarfs might also entirely preclude atmosphere retention for their planets. In this work we present a new hope for defining an M dwarf cosmic shoreline, leveraging not only data from exoplanets in our own galaxy, but a comprehensive survey conducted by a commission of the Galactic Republic a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. In this survey, we find definitive proof that M dwarf planets can retain atmospheres, and define an M dwarf cosmic shoreline whose slope agrees well with empirical predictions for Sun-like stars. We then define atmosphere retention metrics for the planets on the JWST Rocky Worlds DDT Targets Under Consideration list. Our analysis highlights the benefits of looking beyond the Milky Way for answers to some of the field's most pressing questions.

[60] arXiv:2603.29700 [pdf, html, other]

First Detection of Exoplanetary Cannabinoids: Evidence for THC and CBD in the Atmosphere of K2-18b

Amie J. Chism, Mary Jane van der Pot, Blaise P. Hasheau, Hans-Joachim Grasmann, Bonnie McToke, Bud Wellington-Kush, Maria Hierba-Verde, Puff D. Magic

Comments: 16 pages

Subjects: Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP)

We report the first unambiguous detection of cannabinoid molecules in an exoplanetary atmosphere. Using 420 hours of JWST observations combining NIRSpec and MIRI instruments, we identify spectroscopic signatures of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC; Δ9-C21H30O2) and cannabidiol (CBD; C21H30O2) in the transmission spectrum of the temperate sub-Neptune K2-18b. The THC feature at 2.42~μm is detected at 9.2σ significance, while CBD absorption at 3.69~μm reaches 7.8σ. We additionally report a mysterious feature at exactly 4.20~μm detected at 4.20σ (the probability of this coincidence is discussed extensively). Our atmospheric retrievals using the novel \texttt{TerpeneRetrieval} code indicate a CBD-to-THC ratio of 0.40±0.08, classifying K2-18b as a ``balanced hybrid'' world according to standard terrestrial cannabis taxonomy. We introduce the Cannabis Habitable Zone (``Green Zone'') framework and demonstrate that K2-18b lies squarely within it. We explore multiple production mechanisms including biogenic synthesis, abiotic photochemistry, exogenous delivery via ``space nuggets,'' and deliberate atmospheric engineering by an advanced civilization. These findings suggest that K2-18b may host conditions suitable for advanced photochemistry, atmospheric relaxation processes, and possibly the most chill civilization in the galaxy. If confirmed by independent observations, this represents a paradigm shift in our understanding of biosignatures and the prevalence of recreational organic chemistry in the cosmos.

[54] arXiv:2603.29584 [pdf, html, other]

StarHash: unique, memorable, and deterministic names for astronomical objects

T. L. Killestein

Comments: 7 pages, 5 figures. Code and demo data is available at this https URL

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM); High Energy Astrophysical Phenomena (astro-ph.HE)

The naming of astronomical objects has represented among the most significant challenges in the record-keeping of the field since the very beginning. Long and unwieldy coordinate names, uninformative and ambiguous internal names, and the sheer volume of aliases accumulated for some of the most studied objects conspire to complicate our study of the celestial sphere. This paper proposes StarHash, a reproducible, open-source astronomical naming scheme based on the terrestrial concept of geohashing, but re-implemented from the ground up for the rigorous demands of astronomy. Every 3.2 arcsec patch of sky now has three words associated with it, enabling the precise localisation of astronomical sources, and an easily communicable and memorable identifier. A carefully selected wordlist reduces ambiguity due to plurals and homophones, whilst the use of format-preserving encryption minimises residual spatial correlation in StarHash-derived identifiers. Pre-computed names for several existing catalogues are provided, alongside a Python reference implementation for validation and integration into databases, transient brokers, and other similar projects. Although not intended to be the final word in the naming of astronomical objects, StarHash humbly provides a memorable alternative to the status quo, and is intended to spark a discussion about this most foundational of issues in astronomy.

[55] arXiv:2603.29635 [pdf, html, other]

Antimatter Propulsion for Interstellar Travel via Positron Production from Potassium-40 Rich Biological Matter

C. Hall, L. N. H. P. Hall

Comments: Submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia

Subjects: Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP)

Anitmatter-based propulsion is often cited as a physically plausible route to relativistic interstellar travel, and thus as a potential mechanism by which technologically advanced civilizations could expand throughout the galaxy. Its difficulty may be central to the resolution of Fermi's paradox. Since the Universe should be teaming with advanced technological life, yet we see none, it may be that interstellar travel is simply too difficult. It has been suggested that the main difficulty with using antimatter as propulsion is its limited availability, assuming it must be artificially manufactured. In this paper, we demonstrate that naturally occurring potassium 40 - rich biological matter (specifically bananas) is a promising, overlooked antimatter source for interstellar propulsion.

[47] arXiv:2603.29340 [pdf, html, other]

An innovative alternative to traditional funding streams for extragalactic astronomy

Stephen M. Wilkins, Jack Turner, Connor Sant Fournier, Behnood Bandi, Aswin Vijayan

Comments: 9 pages, 2 figures, submitted to April Unum

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM); Astrophysics of Galaxies (astro-ph.GA)

With traditional sources of funding for astronomical research under increasing pressure, it is timely to explore innovative alternative mechanisms. We therefore introduce GalaxyCoin, a novel cryptocurrency whose issuance, validation, and economic evolution are anchored to real astrophysical objects - galaxies. GalaxyCoin links digital scarcity to observational astronomy by using galaxy catalogues to parametrise token generation, distribution, and long-term supply growth, providing a transparent, immutable, and independently verifiable foundation for the currency. We present the conceptual design of GalaxyCoin, highlight its potential advantages over conventional cryptocurrencies, and examine its broader implications for sustainability, trust, and public engagement at the intersection of astronomy, data-driven science, and blockchain technology. A central feature of GalaxyCoin is that it directly incentivises the discovery and spectroscopic confirmation of galaxies, aligning financial reward with the production of high-quality astronomical data. In terms of monetary design, its supply elasticity lies between that of fiat currencies and fixed-supply cryptocurrencies, making it distinctive in both economic structure and scientific purpose.

[44] arXiv:2603.29324 [pdf, html, other]

Cow-culation: Reentry Impact Risk to Livestock in the Satellite Megaconstellation Era

Samantha M. Lawler, Michele T. Bannister, Laura E. Revell

Comments: submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia

Subjects: Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP)

The commercial space industry is launching more satellites into Low Earth Orbit every year. Aotearoa New Zealand (NZ) has a thriving dairy and cattle industry. Unfortunately, these industries could come into (high speed) cow-llision, as the rapid launch rate and short operational lifetimes of satellites in megaconstellations like Starlink result in a high reentry rate at NZ's latitudes. This could intersect with NZ's famously large population of livestock. We predict this will be an udder disaster for any cows that are hit, as they are squishy and moo-ve much more slowly than space debris. Using a global bovine density dataset, previously published satellite casualty probability code, and a complete lack of funding to do this calculation carefully enough for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, we calculate a $\simeq 0.3-1% chance of a cow-sualty in NZ from reentering Starlink Gen2 debris over the next 5 years.

[43] arXiv:2603.29321 [pdf, html, other]

The Universe Favors Primes: A Study in the Primality of Cosmic Structures

Nan Li, Shiyin Shen

Comments: 3 pages, 1 figure

Subjects: Cosmology and Nongalactic Astrophysics (astro-ph.CO); Popular Physics (physics.pop-ph)

The cosmological principle states that the universe is uniform and does not favor any specific position or direction. However, research conducted by \cite{Shen2025} has revealed that the universe demonstrates a notable inclination towards parity-odd states. Furthermore, it remains uncertain whether the universe also favors prime numbers. In this study, we examine the largest available catalogs of galaxy groups to investigate this hypothesis. Specifically, we assess whether the number of galaxies within a galaxy group or cluster is more likely to be a prime number. Our results strongly suggest that the universe does indeed have a preference for prime numbers, with findings exceeding the 4.1 sigma significance threshold. This insight explains why the Primes consistently triumphs over Unicorn. Consequently, it may be necessary to consider revising the cosmological principle in the context of a higher-dimensional feature space. Moreover, our research establishes a connection between the Riemann Zeta function and cosmology pioneeringly, paving the way for the development of Cosmozetaology.

[41] arXiv:2603.29300 [pdf, html, other]

A Lower Bound on the Number of Fundamental Constants

William Luke Matthewson

Comments: 4 pages, 1 figure, Submitted for 1st April

Subjects: Cosmology and Nongalactic Astrophysics (astro-ph.CO)

We describe here, for the first time, a lower bound on the total number of fundamental constants required for a mathematical description of our physical universe to be complete. The answer is shown to be one. The formal arithmetized meta-mathematical proof of this is left to the reader.

[34] arXiv:2603.29115 [pdf, html, other]

Schrödinger's Seed: Purr-fect Initialization for an Impurr-fect Universe

Mi chen, Renhao Ye

Comments: 3 pages, 1 figure, 21 cats

Subjects: Astrophysics of Galaxies (astro-ph.GA); Computer Vision and Pattern Recognition (cs.CV)

Context. Random seed selection in deep learning is often arbitrary -- conventionally fixed to values such as 42, a number with no known feline endorsement. Aims. We propose that cats, as liminal beings with a historically ambiguous relationship to quantum mechanics, are better suited to this task than random integers. Methods. We construct a cat-driven seed generator inspired by the first Friedmann equation, and test it by mapping 21 domestic cats' physical properties -- mass, coat pattern, eye colour, and name entropy -- via a Monte ``Catlo'' sampling procedure. Results. Cat-driven seeds achieve a mean accuracy of 92.58%, outperforming the baseline seed of 42 by ∼2.5%. Cats from astrophysicist households perform marginally better, suggesting cosmic insight may be contagious. Conclusions. The Universe responds better to cats than to arbitrary integers. Whether cats are aware of this remains unknown.

[29] arXiv:2603.29039 [pdf, html, other]

AI Cosplaying as Astrophysicists: A Controlled Synthetic-Agent Study of AI-Assisted Astrophysical Research Workflows

Chun Huang

Comments: 16 pages, 8 figures. Began as an April Fools' idea, regrettably became a real methods paper, No language models were physically harmed. GitHub repository of this work: this https URL

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM); High Energy Astrophysical Phenomena (astro-ph.HE); Data Analysis, Statistics and Probability (physics.data-an)

Large Language Models (LLMs) are now widely used in astrophysics, but do they actually make our lives easier, or do they merely invent new physics with enough confidence to hide a minus sign? In a specialized field where checking fluent hallucinations is itself labor-intensive, AI assistance can demand as much work as the task it claims to simplify. To evaluate where AI genuinely improves scientific workflows, we bypassed human trials and instead forced AI agents to cosplay as astrophysicists. We simulated 144 synthetic researchers, varying in career stage, AI awareness, and willingness to verify outputs, across 2,592 daily astrophysics research assignments. Comparing solo work against four styles of AI assistance produced 12,960 scored episodes. No assisted policy universally outperformed unassisted work in the primary Qwen production run. Instead, performance depends strongly on the task, the style of AI use, and the identity of the actor. While cautious assistance helps on creative, extractive, and critique-oriented tasks, it can fail catastrophically on derivation-heavy physics. A full actor-swap DeepSeek rerun changes that picture materially: verification-heavy use becomes the strongest assisted policy, two assisted modes enter the higher-utility/lower-risk quadrant, and the derivation-heavy fragility that dominates the Qwen production run largely disappears. In its current form, AI is useful, but only conditionally, its value is uneven, task-specific, and shaped jointly by workflow, usage policy, and which LLM you are using.

[24] arXiv:2603.28977 [pdf, html, other]

On The Detection of Digiorno-like Objects in the Flavor Zone

Logan A. Pearce, Sue D'Oh Nym

Comments: Submitted to ArXiv on the occasion of April Fools, don't worry, no one will ever try to actually submit this

Subjects: Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP); Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM)

Aims: This work proposes a new SETI search methodology under the assumption that a sufficiently advanced civilization could skip the middle man of converting starlight to energy to food preparation, and could directly harness their star's energy for food prep. Methods: We define the concept of the Flavor Zone (FZ): the optimal distance from a star for cooking food. To develop this definition we propose the toy model of a Digiorno-Like Object (DLO) and define the FZ as the regime for optimal cooking according to package directions. We examine the effect of orbit on DLO cooking times and paradigms. Finally, we study the feasibility of detection of DLOs in their FZs with current technology. Results: We determined that DLOs aren't detectable with current technology nor should anyone ever try.

[22] arXiv:2603.28957 [pdf, html, other]

New Paradigms in Pasta: Introducing 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 for Enhanced Inclusivity and Productivity

Julian Falcone, Nabanita Das

Comments: 3 pages, 3 figures. Published in the most prestigious journals after extensive and experimental "fear review."

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM)

Informative data visualization methods are key to the clear and efficient communication of myriad forms of data. The PASTA Collaboration has made substantial contributions to the field of data visualization through 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜, a Python-based package that utilizes various types of pasta as data markers to create engaging plots. This work introduces 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜, an extension of 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 that utilizes the tenuous structure of gluten free (GF) pasta to meet the needs of the GF population. The implementation of 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 employs an exponential crumbling factor (CF), which benefits authors by encouraging clearer and more concise scientific articles, thereby leading to more effective manuscripts and proposals.

[18] arXiv:2603.28915 [pdf, html, other]

Sugar Rush: Improving Observing Productivity via Night Dessert

J.J. Charfman Jr, S. Hyman, N.T.S

Comments: 2 pages, 1 figure, accepted to Acta Prima Aprilia

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM)

Exhaustion and brain fog during long nights observing is common, but can be ameliorated by raising one's blood sugar. In this white paper, we present a prototype method for facilitating a sugar rush during late-night crashes, which has the potential to boost observing productivity.

[16] arXiv:2603.28895 [pdf, html, other]

Plan 9: Detecting Atmospheric Deterrence Against Interstellar Monsters

David R. Rice, Michael J. Radke

Comments: 14 pages, 5 figures, submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia

Subjects: Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP)

Exoplanet atmospheres are usually discussed as tracers of climate, chemistry, and habitability, but they may also preserve signatures of planetary defense. We consider three folklore-motivated deterrents against monsters: reduced organosulfur gases as anti-hematophage repellents, argentiferous reflective aerosols as anti-lycanthropic countermeasures, and haline aerosols as a counting problem for specters. We show that globally-mixed garlic-smelly levels of DMS/DMDS could produce observable mid-infrared transmission features, that silver hazes would show up as anomalous optical brightening, and that sea-salt lofting sustained by strong near-surface winds appears as muted spectra. None of these signatures is unique, which is precisely the observational challenge. A defended world may first appear merely sulfur-rich, bright, or hazy. Therefore, some atmospheres may encode not only biosignatures, but also evidence that the local biosphere has stopped being afraid of the dark.

[14] arXiv:2603.28883 [pdf, html, other]

Where to Search For Life: Evidence from narrative sources with established predictive efficacy

Elizabeth R Stanway (Warwick)

Comments: Submission to April Unum. Comments welcome

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM); Earth and Planetary Astrophysics (astro-ph.EP); Physics Education (physics.ed-ph)

The search for habitable planets, and even for ``Earth 2.0'', is a major driver in contemporary astronomy. However selecting target fields to prioritise for such searches presents a challenge. Here we establish a statistical analysis of the appearance of constellation names in science fiction magazines of the pulp era, evaluating the most commonly mentioned constellations and thus those which the science fiction community collectively identify as the most likely locations to find life. Given that the predictive power of science fiction is well established, we suggest that these locations might be prioritised by searches for extrasolar biospheres.

[10] arXiv:2603.28863 [pdf, html, other]

Something Bright at the Edge of Everything: A Uniquely JWST-Dark Radio Source in COSMOS

Mingyu Li

Comments: RNAAS; 3 pages, 1 figure

Subjects: Astrophysics of Galaxies (astro-ph.GA); High Energy Astrophysical Phenomena (astro-ph.HE)

For decades, astronomers have been searching for bright radio sources deep into the epoch of reionization (EoR). The most distant, powerful radio sources are expected to reside in heavily dust-obscured galaxies, exceedingly faint at optical and infrared wavelengths. Motivated by this, I systematically cross-match radio and JWST source catalogs in the COSMOS field and identify a uniquely JWST-dark radio source: the only object undetected in every JWST band, yet clearly detected in radio data from LOFAR 144 MHz to the VLA 3 GHz. The source is only marginally resolved and shows a steep, unbroken radio spectrum, while remaining undetected in all available HST, JWST, Chandra, Herschel, and ALMA imaging. It may represent an extremely dust-obscured radio-loud source at cosmic dawn, or alternatively a detached radio lobe whose host galaxy lies elsewhere. In either case, it highlights the new discovery space at the intersection of deep radio surveys and JWST imaging.

(This might be serious, but I don't think so.)

[4] arXiv:2603.28847 [pdf, html, other]

Declarative bespoke modelling: A new approach

DBM Collaboration: David Komanek, Vaclav Pavlík, Santiago Jimenez, Rhys Taylor

Comments: 2 pages, 1 figure, submission to Acta Prima Aprila

Subjects: Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM); Data Analysis, Statistics and Probability (physics.data-an)

Modern numerical models are increasingly complex, opaque, and computationally expensive, yet frequently fail to predict even qualitative features of observed phenomena. We propose a new paradigm, Declarative Bespoke Modelling, in which the modeller explicitly declares the relationship between model inputs and outputs. We demonstrate that this approach achieves perfect predictive accuracy, unconditional numerical stability, and complete interpretability. It represents a natural endpoint of contemporary modelling practice and near-zero CO2 emission.

[23] arXiv:2603.29996 [pdf, html, other]

What does the Universe sound like?

Francesco Iacovelli

Comments: 4 pages, 2 figures. April fool, but I hope you enjoy!

Subjects: General Relativity and Quantum Cosmology (gr-qc); High Energy Astrophysical Phenomena (astro-ph.HE)

Unlike electromagnetic telescopes, gravitational-wave (GW) detectors cannot produce pretty pictures, but we can convert GW signals into sound. I compute what the Universe actually sounds like by averaging over ∼106 synthetic compact binary coalescence events occurring throughout 2026. The result: a soothing, low-frequency rumble, perfect for sleeping, meditation, or contemplating the violent nature of spacetime. This is the Universal harmony, audio file included!

[12] arXiv:2603.29334 [pdf, html, other]

Mexican Burrowing Toads as gravitational wave detectors

Frederic V. Hessman, Christian Jooss

Subjects: General Relativity and Quantum Cosmology (gr-qc); Instrumentation and Methods for Astrophysics (astro-ph.IM); Materials Science (cond-mat.mtrl-sci)

It is generally assumed that gravitational waves are extremely difficult to detect. However, we show that the call of the Mexican Burrowing Toad has an amazing resemblance to cosmic gravitational wave signals due to the merging of neutron stars and/or black holes. It is known that toads exhibit magnetoreception - the ability to detect magnetic fields - and that magnetic fields thus subtly affect ion channel activities in toad neurons. We speculate that gravitational strains produce phonons and magnons in a ferromagnetic substance embedded in the nervous system of the toads and that these coherent signals are exponentially amplified by a Raman laser mechanism to the point where they can be detected. The fine tuning necessary for this mechanism to work would help to explain why this species of toad show this remarkable ability and others do not. We analyze the sound of a pond full of Mexican Burrowing Toads in the hopes of detecting slight phase shifts in their calls due to a gravitational wave event. No effect was found and the the LIGO/VIRGO consortia have not reported an event during the recording, illustrating the power of this approach. We suggest the massive use of these toads would be an inexpensive way to support the operation of optical interferometric gravitational wave detector facilities.

[5] arXiv:2603.29091 [pdf, html, other]

Ether of Orbifolds

Henry Lamm

Comments: 6+2 pages, 1 figure

Subjects: High Energy Physics - Lattice (hep-lat); Quantum Physics (quant-ph)

Whose world is this? The orbifold lattice has been proposed as a bridge to practical quantum simulation of Yang--Mills theory, claiming exponential speedup over all known approaches. Through analytical derivations, Monte Carlo simulation, and explicit circuit construction, we identify compounding hidden costs entirely absent in Kogut--Susskind formulations: a mass-dependent Trotter overhead that scales as m4, gauge-violating dynamics that grow as m2 and worsen with penalty terms, and a mandatory mass extrapolation. Monte Carlo simulations of SU(3) establish a universal scaling: the continuum limit forces m2∝1/a, binding the Trotter step to the lattice spacing through a cost unique to orbifolds. For a fiducial 103 calculation, the orbifold is 104--1010 times more expensive than every published alternative. The bridge is not built. The gap is the foundation.

[6] arXiv:2603.29064 [pdf, html, other]

No hair but plenty of feathers: are birds black holes?

Andrew Laeuger, Taylor Knapp

Comments: 7 pages, 6 figures. April Fools!

Subjects: General Relativity and Quantum Cosmology (gr-qc); High Energy Astrophysical Phenomena (astro-ph.HE); Biological Physics (physics.bio-ph)

The imitative verb "chirp" is thought to originate from 16th-century Middle English. Meanwhile, this same word has been used to describe the gravitational waves (GWs) emitted from the merger of compact objects, such as black holes and neutron stars, since at least the 1990s. Motivated purely by this linguistic overlap, we study whether the chirps of birds can be modeled by compact binary waveforms. In particular, we consider a test case of the Northern cardinal (Cardinalis cardinalis), finding that its time-reversed chirp can be approximately modeled by that of a high mass ratio, precessing black hole binary, with a number of indications towards extreme matter effects or beyond the Standard Model physics. Importantly, this waveform correspondence is not so straightforward for all bird species, as some chirp morphologies are far more akin to glitches seen in GW observatories. With these comparisons made, we propose an alternative solution to the longstanding philosophical conundrum: rather than the chicken or the egg, perhaps it was the Big Bang which truly came first.

[1] arXiv:2603.28805 [pdf, html, other]

Determining G with Laser Spectroscopy to 38 ppb

Noah Bray-Ali

Comments: 9 pages, 1 figures, proposal prepared for 2026 US NIST Precision Measurement Program

Subjects: High Energy Physics - Phenomenology (hep-ph); Optics (physics.optics)

A precision measurement is proposed to determine, in a couple hours of integration time, the axion Compton frequency using a modest power (3 mW) tunable external-cavity diode laser at 2458 nm as input to drive a free-space table-top Mach-Zehnder interferometer whose sensing arm passes the expanded beam-waist (3 mm) light beam through a 1 T strong, 40 cm long dipole magnetic field created by a custom-built permanent-magnet assembly with a large but achievable (6 mm) gap between poles. As the laser frequency is slowly modulated at 1 kHz through a 65 MHz wide window that is well within the 30 GHz fine-tuning range of the laser, a small but readily observable modulation appears in the dark-port optical power of the dark-fringe phase-locked interferometer due to photons converting into axions within the light beam as it passes through the magnetic field. Measuring the axion Compton frequency, νA≈122 THz, where the dark-port power modulation peaks, to within the line-width of the laser, ΔνA=1 MHz, then determines G to 38 ppb, a roughly 600-fold improvement, through a relation between νA and G, involving h, c, and nucleon masses.

[2] arXiv:2603.28810 [pdf, html, other]

A broken-phase six-direction support mechanism for αs/αem=16 from a common visible Yang--Mills coupling

Tejinder P. Singh

Comments: 10 pages

Subjects: High Energy Physics - Phenomenology (hep-ph)

We isolate a simple broken-phase mechanism that yields

αsαem=16

at the symmetry-breaking scale in the octonionic E8×ωE8 framework, starting from a single visible Yang--Mills coupling g before symmetry breaking. The first ingredient is the standard visible charge-trace factor

αsα(0)em=83,

coming from one generation of quark and lepton charges. The second ingredient is an effective broken-phase support model on the six real octonionic directions entering the three ladder operators. We make this second step more explicit by projecting the visible q†BqB block onto the six real ladder directions and showing that it separates naturally into a trace-like abelian direction and traceless color directions. If the unbroken visible electromagnetic mode is the democratic trace vector on this six-dimensional support space, while color modes and the relevant visible matter mode are localized on one effective support sector, then the electromagnetic coupling is diluted by an additional factor 6 and one obtains

αsαem=83×6=16,e=g4.

The note is intentionally conservative about what has and has not been shown. It does not claim a first-principles derivation of the localization dynamics. Rather, it identifies the precise broken-phase support hypothesis under which a common pre-breaking coupling produces the ratio 16.

[3] arXiv:2603.28826 [pdf, html, other]

Rotation of the polarization plane in axion fields: application to neutron star polar cap regions

Iver H. Brevik, Moshe M. Chaichian, Tiberiu Harko, Yuri N. Obukhov

Comments: 19 pages

Subjects: High Energy Physics - Phenomenology (hep-ph); High Energy Astrophysical Phenomena (astro-ph.HE); High Energy Physics - Theory (hep-th)

Recent investigations by Noordhuis et al. [1, 2] and others have demonstrated the occurrence of strong local inhomogeneous axion regions in the polar cap regions of neutron stars. These regions are characterized by static magnetic fields B0∼108T (=1012G) directed normally outwards from the polar surface (magnetic dipole), together with static electric fields E0∼10−6cB0 in the same direction (electric dipole). An enormous increase of axion production, up to order 1050, is predicted in the polar regions. These features are important for phenomena such as polarization plane rotation under both weak and strong axion field populations. We survey the peculiar antenna property of conductive materials, which shows the need for having very strong magnetic fields to make the detection possible. We present the general form of electromagnetic waves in the axion environment, in both the standard form and in a physically instructive hybrid one, showing the nonreciprocity of axion fluid, and calculate the polarization rotation. The rotation is well defined in the case of weak, but still stronger than average value of axion fields in Universe. For very strong fields such a perturbative theory breaks down, however. A noteworthy general property of the rotation of polarization plane is that it can only occur when the axion cloud is varying in space or time. We limit ourselves only variation in space. Finally, as application we discuss the physical picture of local 'gap' regions proposed by Noordhuis et al. in the polar regions of a neutron star. The reason for occurrence of these gaps is plasma effects. To evaluate the time scales involved, we calculate the filling time for surrounding axions flowing into an initial gap. It turns out that the typical filling time is a moderate number of nanoseconds, within the accuracy of atomic clocks precision to be detectable.